Sunday, July 12, 2015

its been awhile

My boyfriend moved.
and a month later, he tells me he wants a break.
I cry. I depress. I obsess.
I man the fuck up.
I don't need him if he's gonna keep treating me like shit.
I'm better than that.

I don't need this.

If he ever comes back, I'm kicked his ass.

Thursday, April 23, 2015

a normal day or so i thought

Hey guys. Life's been good. At least, it was.
My depression has been kicking me sideways into gutters the past few days.
I've been acting as cheerful as possible to try and hide it, and it's working extremely well.
Even today, my boyfriend said "I like cheerful Faith."
It's not real.
None of it is.

I would never cry in school. I forbid myself.
And I will not cry in front of him, or anyone else.
Not from emotions.
Not from that. Ever.
I swear on it.

People who don't hide their emotions get asked questions. I detest questions, and I detest nosy people.
No, you're not simply "curious" or "caring." You're nosy.
If you're sticking, not just your nose, but your whole freakin head into someone else's business, then you're nosy.
If you inquire, then they tell you flat-out that they don't want to talk about it, and then you still persist, then you're a pest, and I hate you.

I swear. It's probably not a great idea to bottle up emotions, but I don't care. And that's not an "I don't care" of neutrality. It's an "I don't care what kind of punishments or repercussions happen as a result of my actions".
It doesn't matter.
I've just passed the point where I really give a damn what happens to my life anymore.
There are no high points of it. Every day is exactly the same.
Nothing good comes of achievements, and I already have none.

Sunday, March 29, 2015

bad dreams

So, last night was basically no different from any other, save for my dog who fell instantly asleep under and in my arms, snuggled with me under the blankets. It was late, so I eventually drifted to sleep.

Then the nightmares happened.

Now, nobody really enjoys having nightmares. This one was particularly daunting, for me anyway. I woke up drenched in sweat and crying hysterically. My dog was completely confused.
The center of focus for this dream? Break ups. And death.
To put it simply, my boyfriend ended up breaking up with me with no real explanation. Things have been happening with us lately, (no, nothing to constitute breaking up. We haven't been arguing, or anything) so maybe that was on my mind. But all I can remember is it felt so real. I hate when nightmares feel realistic. I woke up not knowing where I was. I was shaking.
I love him so much, and it would break my heart if he did something like that to me.
People have betrayed me through lies and questionable circumstances before. And just the imagery of that happening again was enough to send my emotions into a whirlpool.
The image of him walking away from me, and my hands as they reached for him is burning in my mind. I can't shake it at all.
In the dream, I lay in my room on the floor, tears streaking down my face. But that was it, my only form of crying. I got a phone call later that my boyfriend had been murdered. Immediately, I reasoned in my mind that he wasn't technically my boyfriend anymore. Numbly I tried to convey this to the person on the phone, but the line was dead. I dropped the phone (literally dropped the phone) and went back to my room to cry about him breaking up with me. Like my mind didn't even register that he was dead.
The next day, I went to school. There was an announcement about it.
One of our friends came up to me and said, "Did you hear about ____?" I looked at him and laughed a little, then said back, "Yes. He broke up with me."

Then I woke up.
Kind of a strange way to cut off a dream.

Anyway, so that's been the only thing of interest that's happened to me lately.
Except for that last Monday, I went to Rainbow Springs with some friends and family.
And, unknown to us, there was an old man swimming naked in the same area as us.
*internal screaming*
Also, a caterpillar crawled onto my sandaled foot, and I screamed and ran away. Then I got scared of a butterfly. (Hey, from my peripheral vision it looked like a wasp, okay)
My boyfriend gave the argument "Hey, at least the caterpillar didn't land on your face," to me, which, yes, happened to him instead.
I had a fun time. We also went to Ripley's Believe It or Not?, which, surprisingly, I'd never been to before, despite living in Florida.

It was a nice Spring Break.
I hope anyone reading this had a good one too.

Monday, February 16, 2015

just to vent a little

My friend's parents are assholes. Seriously.
Sometimes, I'll admit, my friend does give them an unnecessary attitude.
But holy fuck, they treat her like shit.
And now that they have a new baby, it just got worse.
Right now as I'm typing this, they're in a different room bitching to each other about her. Like they can't just say shit around someone else.
And her dad was talking about getting rid of her cats, just because she didn't clean the litter box the second they told her to. It's really fucking annoying.

I feel bad for her. She doesn't even get her own room in this house. Her "room" is this living room space in a one-bedroom duplex house, so she doesn't even have her own space and she constantly has to be in the presence of them.
And EVERY TIME they are screaming at each other, or their baby is crying, or they want to watch something (and they turn that shit up loud as fuck), she always has to put up with it.

I wish there was something I could do. I could let her stay at my house when she wants, but right now a bunch of my family are staying there.

Everything pretty much sucks all around.

Friday, February 6, 2015

back here again.

I don't know right now.
Hell of a way to start a sentence, amirite?

Nothings really going on for me right now, but I feel the need to talk about my menial life anyways.
But there's not much to say, now, is there?
English teacher has been having us write poetry, so that's pretty good, considering I write poetry all the time anyway.
Also my grandma is visiting. She has to stay in my room though. Luckily I have two beds.
Also I'll be seventeen really soon. It's February 6th today, so it's about 27 days from now.
Does that mean next year I'll be considered an adult? I hope not.
I fear responsibility.

Also, I'm afraid of doors. Just thought I'd share.

Kind of a weird thing to fear, I'll admit. I mean, I don't just see a door and run away screaming or anything. It's more like, I fear what could be behind the door. I don't even want to look.

I guess that might have sounded a bit philosophical, but really, I just don't like Jehova's Witnesses.
Or salesmen.
Or people in general.
But that has been remedied a bit now, since from my watchtower bed, I can see the space in front of the front door through my window. So I'll be plenty prepared if a serial murderer comes strolling into my house.

I will probably also be getting braces soon. It's gonna suck, and I'm gonna have to have a routine from now on. And I can't chew gum whenever I want. And I'm gonna have to brush my teeth after eating anything. And I can't snack late at night unless I want to go over the whole extensive teeth brushing thing again. Aaand I have to keep them in for at least 22 hours a day, then get new ones every 2 weeks.
I'm hoping for Invisalign. It seems so much easier. I just hope it doesn't cost us a fortune.

Anyway, I'm stuck in my virtual class for another 10 minutes, so I'll just kill time until I can leave.
Then Algebra. Oh joy.

Thursday, January 22, 2015


So, I've been in a void recently.
A lot of shit has been piling up, and gradually pulling all the happiness from me.
I've been doing shit I'm not proud of lately.
And my family isn't helping. Being around them is making everything so much worse.
I feel bad for my boyfriend. He knows how unhappy I am right now, and still he's willing to listen to my venting and angry spells and my frustrations.

He's keeping me somewhat level-headed. I don't deserve it.

I haven't been myself lately, is the best way I can put it.
Apparently, people in my house have noticed, but all they can say about it is "You've been really bitchy lately," or "You've had such a bad attitude."
All I can think is, I hate you all.
I don't even want to talk to most of them later on in my life.
I might still talk to my mom, but even that I'm hesitating on.

They don't understand. I really don't mean to sound like an angsty teenager when I say this, but they really don't.

Right now, I'm in shambles.
Right now, I'm sitting in a classroom, when all I want to do is curl up in my room and cry.
Right now, I can't see happiness in the world.

Right now, I'm fucked up.